Whoever said "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie" didn't sleep
with dogs. The first thing you discover when you bring a
dog onto your bed is the striking difference in weight between
an alert, awake dog and a dog at rest.
Rule Number One: The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog.
Most people who sleep with dogs develop spinal deformities
rather than rent the heavy equipment necessary to move their
snoring canines to a more appropriate part of the bed. Cunning
canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they
have achieved the center position on the bed - with all
covers carefully tucked under them for safekeeping. The
stretch and roll method is very effective in gaining territory.
Less subtle tactics are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog
can worm his way between a sleeping couple and, with the
proper spring action from all four legs, shove a sleeping
human to the floor.
Rule Number Two: Dogs possess superhuman strength while
on a bed. As you cling to the edge of the bed, wishing you
had covers, your sweet pup begins to snore at a volume you
would not have thought possible. Once that quiets down,
the dog dreams begin. Yipping, growling, running, kicking.
Your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of canine
fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep running",
lots of eye movement and then, suddenly, a shrieking howl
blasted through the night like a banshee wail. The horror
of this wake-up call haunts you for years. It's particularly
devastating when your pup insists on sleeping curled around
your head like a demented Daniel Boon cap.
Rule Number Three: The deeper the sleep, the louder the
dog. The night creeps on and you fall asleep in the 3 inches
of bed not claimed by a dog. The dog dreams quiet slightly
and the heap of dog flesh sleeps - breathing heavily and
passing wind. Then, too soon, it's dawn and the heap stirs.
Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant method of waking
the pack. One may position itself inches from a face and
stare until you wake. The clever dog obtains excellent results
by simply sneezing on your face, or they could romp all
over your sleeping bodies - or the ever-loving insertion
of a tongue in an unsuspecting ear.
Rule Number Four: When the dog wakes - you wake.
So, why do we put up with this? There's no sane reason.
Perhaps it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together
at night - safe, contented, heavy and loud.
