Memo to: The Cats
From: Your Mom ("Provider of All Good Things")
Subject: New Corporate Policy on the Use of Toileting Facilities
Date: 17 Sep 2000
Ladies:
Please be advised of an upgrade to your toileting equipment.
There are now SIX litterboxes for the THREE of you. This should
relieve some of the crowding and decisionmaking problems associated
with having ONLY FIVE boxes for THREE cats available.
Although this new addition took place yesterday, apparently
at least one of you has not noticed. Please NOTICE the addition.
Take a moment to review previous corporate policy reminding
you that only APPROVED (by me) and DESIGNATED (by me) facilities
are to be used as toileting areas. Now that each of you has
two boxes available, this should put to rest some of the past
"difficulties" and enable you to more easily conduct
this important business while adhering to the following standard
guidelines:
* No one should assume that all filler in a litterbox will
be replaced each and every time a box is used. Sifting and
replenishing will be conducted upon my waking in the morning
and returning from work in the evening.
* Although you may choose your favorite boxes as "your
own" you are not to prohibit any of your "colleagues"
from using "your" facilities or in any way harass
them while they are using a box. On occasion, I may wish to
use one of the boxes myself and will expect full accommodation
on your part.
* We are transferring to pine litter. This is a done deal,
and now after a transition period of SIX MONTHS you are expected
to accept this as a fact of life. Those of you (and you know
who you are) who have been leaving various "protest signs"
in strategic locations, are to end this immediately. This
move to pine is because of your inconsiderate use of the clumping
litter to practice your bowling techniques throughout the
basement den. Also, our foray into the regular clay litter
meant you were coming to bed--in my bed--with the clay sticking
to every bit of your nose. Not only was this unhygienic, it
certainly did not give any of you the appearance of an $800
cat. If you are thinking I'm doing this as a vast Greenpeace
conspiracy, get over it.
* When we go to shows, the sandbox is there to use as intended.
It is not there for you to take your naps in--that's what
the extremely expensive "Fuzzy Sack" is there for.
Do not wait to get home and make a mad dash for the boxes.
When you hold it in at the show, you look like you are going
to explode and your eyes start to cross. Worse yet, you start
to fart.
* To my Abyssinian: It is perfectly acceptable that you twirl
around at least five times in a box before furiously digging
a hole, but you are not required nor should you feel compelled,
to throw the litter ten feet in every direction. It would
also be preferable if you actually use that same litter box
where you've dug rather than jumping into a neighboring box
to actually do the deed and then not covering it up. This
style is not very becoming, nor does it make you look terribly
smart. Additionally, it does not score any bonus points for
your breed.
* To my Bengal: Simply making sure you've covered what you've
left is enough. You do NOT need to build pyramids. While I
realize there is a distant cultural and ethnic connection
here to that ancient Egyptian architectural style, now that
we have reached a new millennium, please allow the connection
to become more distant still. I would welcome you bringing
the height of your creations down to the more manageable level
of speed bumps.
* To my 15-year old full blooded Generic: Please do not deposit
your various mouse, cricket, or cicada victims in the litter
boxes. Killed or mangled bodies should merely be left out
on the utility room floor right by the door. I promise they
will be noticed and proper praise and acknowledgment will
be forthcoming. Trust me.
Your efforts in regards to an invitation a Teamster representative
to visit this property will be rejected outright. It didn't
work for the Poodles across the street, it ain't gonna fly
here.
Sincerely,
Mom (I choose what kibble you get) Padilla
